Self-Forgiveness

I don’t know what to write here. I just think I need to write. Something. To let the mind talks and the heart listened.

As you know, I’m still in the feel of lost. I lost one of important persons in life. The worst, I’m the one who ask him to be lost, to go away. I was tired with our flat relationship. Boring. Maybe that’s the appropriate word. I have demanded to him for many things. I would like him to be like this, to be like that, and many more. I’m usually sad he’s not like the person I want to. But I know he won’t change so I have given up asking for that. He wants me to be more patient and other things. We are demanded to each other and ended up by no one can fulfill each other. When I take a look to our situation now, I think it’s better for us to be separated. It’s time for us to have self-reflection, what have been done, what have been wrong.  Although it’s hard to live without him, I always try to convince myself that this is the best for now. Wow, it sounds too much the word “hard to live”. I’ve lived 17 years before knowing him so it should be okay. Yeah, I have to admit that the four years relationship is not a short-easy to forget-relationship. We used to do things together and he knows me very well. He’s my best friend, apart his duty as boyfriend. Oops, it’s EX-boyfriend, already. :P

At the beginning, It’s just…so hard. You know, the feeling of happy when you have someone to talk to tonight. When your mind is usually filled in with one name there, as a boyfriend. A person you care and love about. Those have been programmed in your brain, in four years and two months. Suddenly, you need to delete all the programs. All the memories.  I wish I could be attacked by amnesia. But, again..I convinced myself many times that this is the best for us. Lately, I find it is interesting and calming, to love someone just because you want to. Apart from the distance that separates us, the flat relationship and others, I love him as the way he is. Even though it’s late already since he doesn’t love me anymore. It’s okay, I accept it as a process. A process for me to look deeper and to realize that we can’t always get what we want.

All these reflections bring me to one big thing, self-forgiveness. I haven’t forgiven myself since that bad broke up. I don’t know how to forgive myself. The worst, when you think this is the right decision but turned out the other way. Finally you realize it doesn’t work that you have made a big mistake. Yeah, in the age of twenties, I should be able to make decisions, good ones, but I couldn't. Along these past weeks, I have denied myself. I try to be fine and hide under my self-defense mechanism. For your information, to forgive ourselves is more difficult compare to forgive others. One of the factors is because human has self-defense mechanism. In psychology, self-defense mechanism is an unconscious strategy to protect ourselves from anxiety and tension.  It happens when we did mistake and try to find the  right justification for it. This happened to me as i think that i am not the only one who is wrong. “Noo, it’s his fault. He doesn’t..bla bla. I’m right, I have done my best. Bla-bla-bla.” We always do it, human. We don't accept that we’re the one who made it. We are shy to ourselves that we are wrong. I was in that phase and now, the wall of self-defense mechanism has been fallen down. Self-forgiveness, it was the one who broke my self-defense mechanism. I have forgiven myself that I was wrong. I forgive myself though I’m sucks and washed up.

What do you get from self-forgiveness? A new spirit. Yes, you become enthusiast to start a better life. You learn from your mistakes. You want to be a better person after the storm in the past. You want to achieve those you haven’t got before. You start to know new people, new friend. You are smiling in the middle of broken hearted pieces to be mended. You are calmer than ever before. That’s what I felt and went through. I find that I’m in the process to be a better person. So for you guys, who are in the same situation, or maybe you had been dumped, got into a relation-shit (not relationship), and even an unrequited love. You just need to forgive yourself. Admit that you have done a mistake, accept that. By forgiving yourself, you tell your self that you are strong with all things happened. Then you can start new chapter of life, a better one. 

Anyway, for those who just broke up, enjoy the lost, grief, despair and disappoint. Cry as loud as you can. Take out all your emotions. But don’t be too long cuz you still have a path to be finished. Get up, your life is there, wait for you to continue the journey. In case this post doesn't help you, you keep asking and wondering, maybe you should listen to this lyrics:

“And when the broken hearted people, living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be.” – The Beatles “Let It Be”

Let's forgive ourselves,

Chandini