YOU

It’s been three weeks. I haven’t got over you. I have tried to smile, to be happy. I suppose to get through all of this, since I’m the one who wanted.  But, I don't know why. I clearly remember every little thing about us, especially, my complaints about you. Yes, you. You are the one who is a boring person, too kind, too perfect. We don’t have any common in music, film, travelling and stuff. You are the one who always ask the same thing in our messenger conversation. You, who is seldom texting or calling me, with this Long Distance Desperate Relationship. You, with all your patient and kindness, become too good to be a true man in this pathetic world. Yes, you…

I forget how I really want you to go, how I really want to be alone. When the distance seems so far away with only forty five minutes flight. I don’t know where the feelings go, maybe they hide somewhere, around the corner or in the middle of trees. But I couldn’t find them, it’s hard, actually. So I decided to ask and as usual, you said no. The same answer you gave to me since a year ago. I don’t know why you said no. You said you love me, but I just can’t understand how a person can love the other person so much. Even that person hurts you, a lot.

I know you want this relationship like a normal one. Like when we were young, happy and naïve. Four years ago when we just separated by ten minutes walk and sit in the same class together. But things changed, and the past can’t turn back in. So we need to change something. I want you to be here, but you can’t. You want me to be patient and wait. Wait until you can be beside me again, like before. I wait and wait…. For your information, I’m not a patient person. Especially with things related to feelings and heart. I can simply cry and sad. I’m weak, you know. But I’m tired to tell you that I miss you. I’m sick of missing you. Yes, missing someone makes you sick, don’t you agree?

I love you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. So I decided to make it through, though I’m sick and tired. I pretend that I’m okay. We are okay. Those entire one message within three days and chatting with same conversation to be talked to, are okay. Even though, I need more than this. I know you just want me to be always beside you. You don’t need to know what I feel and what I think. You just want me, that’s all. Until one day, I realize that I rarely say good night to you. I have changed, you said. At the moment, I know that I have to tell you, the real thing. It went smooth, you didn’t say anything. You just said, you can’t force me anymore. I can do whatever I want. It was happened without arguing, “Sorry” and “thank you”. It was ended just like that.

The day passed by without any message in inbox . It is just empty. I tried to realize that this is all I wanted. I must accept that I’m alone now. I can do anything besides thinking how to save money for calling you later. How to make this long relationship lasted, like I always thought before. But I found it is hard, it is just difficult. I don’t know where all the complaints gone. It’s all, inside, just regrets. I’m full of regrets. I’ve should accepted you, I’ve should known better. Once, I thought that I’m okay just to be with you without your presence here. I’m okay with our different world, to be inferior beside a too perfect guy. There is always be a Beast for Beauty right? I would like to be your Beast. But, it’s late already. You’ve gone. I don’t know where to find you. Or maybe I shouldn’t, cuz if you read this now, you will laugh. You will laugh at my stupidity, arrogance and pretentiousness.

Yes, maybe I’m stupid. I finally realize that I’ve lost you. I miss you and I can’t get you back, again. It’s okay. I forgive myself that I made one of the big mistakes in life. You are too precious to be lost, you are half of myself. So now I should get up and look for another part of me. I will wander around, start from zero, a new adventure. I’m sure everything is not lost. Your footprints are here, inside me. They left lessons from you that will guide me in future. Thanks for all. I won’t forget all the memories. All the happy, sadness, hope, disappointment, love.  You’re the best I’ve ever had. Thank you.

PS: As time goes by, I know i will let you go x)

I  am okay,
Chandini