Self-Reflection

I don't know why 30HariMenulis has been difficult lately. I don't know what to write. I think i have been flooded by all the despair. It is like i know i have to write. But i don't know how to write it. I can't let out all my emotions. I know i have to write something. But it is just retain inside.

So now i'm in the compilation of all the emotions. It has been piled up since months ago. I haven't let go of my ex-boyfriend yet. I have regretted for my mistakes. I still think that he is my everything. He has had a big role in me. I can't live without him. I have spent so much time with him. I..I don't know what should i mention here. But to lose him, is like lose everything. I don't have any friends. I don't have someone to talk to. I am just alone. And i have to make it through all..alone.

It's not that i don't have friends. I have friends but they are different from my friends before. I have two really good friends..Farisa and Anissa. They were my roommates. They understand me, my behavior, my attitude. They know me..a lot. I know i have lost them when i don't find any friends like them. It is just in different time. I have to be in the same place without their presence. I have three other best friends in Tunisia. My roommate, Connie, and my sister also brother, Lii Na and Daniel. And the other three sisters, Monica, Marcella and Paulina. They mean a lot to me. With them, i got to know my self and i felt i was appreciated. I miss them..so much. I miss Tunisia. I haven't let go yet that i suppose to be there now. I shouldn't have gone back to Indonesia. I should just spend more time there. I can go back here but later when i know Tunisia well. 

I still don't understand about PhD. What is so cool about doing PhD? Yes, it's cool but it's also cool enough to damage your brain. Instead, i can do travel all around the world and talk to people. Knowing their culture, their life and learn from them. I can backpack to every single country in this world. Then i can write my book based on my experiences. My lovable and unlovable experiences.

I know my mistakes already. I just realized that. Thank to my roommate now that has made me realized about many things. Even though it hurts..really hurts..but i know what i  should do. I have thought that i have been good to people. I mean if they have mistakes, i forgive them. I don't really think about it. Well, it depends on the level of mistakes but i will forget and come back as usual. However, i realize that people don't do the same. They don't forgive me like i forgive them shortly.  So when people do mistake to me, i should do the same. I don't know, but i think i have to change so people do think easy on me. Yes, i have done mistakes to people. I apologize for that. Sometimes i have been careless with my things, my attitude. I lose control.

For the past few months, I haven't been understood of my self. I can't say the things in my heart. I am too afraid of people. I am afraid to hurt them but they just hurt me easily. I am too confuse what should i choose. I am always confuse of everything. I have taken many wrong decisions. I don't understand about my self. Actually, I know what i should do. But it is not the same action that i do with what my heart tell me. I do different thing. My reflex motor signal doesn't work right, i think. Cuz it's always different what my heart and what i say on real. I always have this battle between my heart and my logic about what i should do.

I also wear the black and gloomy clothes along these months. It is so different that i wore in Tunisia. I wore colorful and bright colors. I saw some pictures from the past and i was laughing on that photo. It is so different with me now. I can't laugh anymore. I am sad. I am too serious. I have changed to a different person.

I just realized that i have a similar situation seven years ago. During my high school, i didn't have good memories. I ended up in school that i didn't want to. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and i just realized that i loved him. I didn't have good relationship with my friends cuz i don’t know..maybe i didn't have good behavior. But the next year, it went better that i have new friends and even new boy friend, not boyfriend. I was really close with a friend. But, later i found out that she was talking about me at the back. She betrayed me. I know i made mistakes but it is not the way that she talks about me behind. If i have mistakes, i prefer to talk to me in a good way. So, i am not confused and think hard what is wrong. 

I know i should change. I have to let go of my past. I don't want to have the same situation. I know i will have better one. I will have a much better friend. Do you know why i never say Best Friend? I usually say good friend..cuz i am afraid that i will be hurt again. I am afraid if i consider her as best friend then she will betray me at the back like what happened years ago. And i always keep distance with people cuz i am afraid if i am too close and something wrong will happen. And I lose her..i am afraid of that.  Ya, i have been too coward. 

In many years i trapped in a mindset that i have been always get hurt. I have been hated by many people. I keep it down there inside. Without knowing really what was the reason of that. Why did they hurt me? What were my mistakes? I just said to myself that i am a victim. People will always leave me. But, now i realize that probably i have done something wrong. I know people won't do bad to you if you are good to them. They will always good to you  if you are do the same in return.

I have been keeping all these stories and wounds since many years ago. I just keep it all and restrained inside my self. I don't really talk to people. I just keep it to my self and try to forget. I know i should let go since long time. And now, i will let go. I will just keep good memories. I have many good memories. But. they are just covered by some sad ones. So, in the spirit of the new me and new year, i would like to be a better Ulka. 

Oh ya, you know, actually i don't really like to be called by Ulka. Sometimes i think that if i change name, people will like me. I prefer to be called by Chandini or Andin. Haha Anyway, i know it is not important.


Okay, so thank you for listening to my story. Hope you will always have good big ears.


Love,
Chandini